Title: Phan - Can You Hear Me?
Author: Macy ^-^
Genre: angst what else I can't write anything but angst ok fuck you
Warning: suicidal thoughts... (?)
I had always admired him. His youtube channel was one of the only things that ever gave me any joy nowadays. I seem to have lost the sight of any light recently. I say recently, as if "the good ol' days" were just a few months ago. No, I hadn't been happy, with actual inner joy that lasted, since years ago. It started when I was twelve. How fucked up is that? Twelve years of age, already wishing I could die. Nearly everyday has been a struggle since then; a struggle to get out of bed, to look in the mirror, to engage in social interaction. I'm nineteen god damn years old and nothing has changed. Nothing. I still wish I had enough courage to throw myself in front of a train, or off the top of a building, or put a bullet through my skull. But I know I'd never have the audacity to do any of that.
I met him that day, Phil. He was gorgeous, perfect, everything I could wish for in anyone.
I was sat at Starbucks waiting for him to show up so I could actually meet him, face to face, like we'd promised. He started talking to me on twitter after realizing that we had matching haircuts and I kept obsessively replying to his tweets. Then we exchanged phone numbers and couldn't stop talking to each other. I had been rehearsing scenes in my head of how we would meet, what I would say to him, how I would talk and walk and act around him.
I'll admit, I had a crush on him, but I mean, who wouldn't? The second I saw him I got butterflies in my stomach. I blanked out on all of the scenes and conversations I'd thought up in my head. I knew I could be real around this guy. I trust him a lot.
"Dan!" He quickly walked over to me and took me up in a hug.
"Hi! It's nice to finally see you face to face," I replied.
"Yeah! I'm really excited to actually see someone I've been calling my best friend," Phil said back.
Oh my god, I was his best friend? Oh my god I love my life right now, oh my god.
~at Phil's flat later after shenanigans and shit yep~
"Dan, I swear, we're like the same person."
We were sat in silence for a while. Not awkward silence, just silence. Comfortable silence. Like it was hugging us, pushing us closer together. It was telling us that we could say anything to each other, and it would be okay.
"Do you know what it's like to want to die?" I can't believe I just said that.
His face turned slightly pink, hidden beneath his black hair. "I - uh... I mean, yeah. I've felt like that a lot before... Why? Do you feel like that? Oh, God I hope you don't..." He stuttered immensely.
"I can't believe I just asked you that... Sorry if I invaded your privacy... I - I just wanted to know if I was alone in it as I felt..."
"So you do feel like that?" Phil asked, concernedly.
"I - ah - yeah... I do..."
"Do you want to talk about it?" He said as he put a comforting arm around me.
"I mean... I don't know, I guess...? You're the only one who cares." Tears began welling up in my eyes.
He squeezed my arm. "Hey, it's okay. It's going to be okay. Come on, talk to me about it. Tell me why you feel as shit as you do."
"I - I... Everything I do is wrong. Everything. My parents don't care about me anymore since I came out to them. No one understands what it feels like to walk down school hallways feeling so god damn alone and like no one would give a shit if I died. It's like I'm yelling 'Can you hear me?' at everyone and no one does as much as turn their head. I'm hardly ever happy. Honestly, this has been the best day I've had in years. I've been wishing for some sort of change or shift to save me from this depression since I was twelve. And you saved me Phil, you really did." I looked into his eyes, my face streaked with tears. Phil was holding me tightly.
"I always knew I liked you," Phil half-whispered-half-said.
"What...?" I replied, confused.
"I've always admired people who can go through so much pain, and still smile and be strong when they have every reason in the world to be weak."
He leaned in towards me and our lips met. I had never been so happy in my life.